The Flat Taxes

Travis Williams was bitten by a baby rattlesnake, even after a companion had warned him to avoid it. Said Williams, "Even though she told me not to ... I picked it up anyway. I'm not too bright that way." Michael Morris was hospitalized with a broken leg and broken arm after being run into by a friend driving an Acura at about 25 mph, but it was consensual. The friend described Morris as an adrenaline junkie who had had the friend run over him before, but Morris told the Times, "I won't do this no more." Arizona goober and gubernatorial candidate Mike Harris donated $100,000 of his own money to his campaign in April, six months after successfully begging a judge to cut his $2000-per-month child-support payments in half (and conceding that he had not disclosed that he owed his ex-wife $44,000 more from a property sale). Harris said even paying $1000 a month was "pretty darn generous" of him. To a fault line, now jump.

New Old Cares

How long does it take to empty a country at 50 deaths per day? Think again, we fuck more under stress; Iran has a lot of young people. Es for plural not Esse he stressed, leave that denim alone, pictures haunt; not like the stupid human videos though. Tying on a tight one tonight? Rolling? Daunted but still filming. Red light go. Cue cum. Swallow. What do you see, reflected in the lights within those pin-pricked eyes? The United Nations has vowed to continue working for the release of Myanmar democracy leader Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, whose house arrest the country's military Junta has extended. Leader? She can't even leave the house. Blue Hats ain't shit.

Initials Passings

Playground Love? I prefer radar; sweeping for blipping bogey's and the tornadic touch. May we bugout from the insanity? And now some thousand words on my hate of the word: Globalization, add an s and drop the z if you're scared. Trying to bring down a surge in insurgent attacks in western Iraq, trying to get along in ze traffic with the mad commuters Afghani, trying to make sense of the neo-stupidity; as if. Volcano Love! J. Hoffa was ground up and spread on J. Edgars lawn.

Steal Me Backhoe

If I had a life, I'd probably hate it. Will be my favorite stolen quote of the day, even if it makes no sense, as to say it is to have it, sic life. Sic this, they said with crotches gripped, scowls on go. You can't tell me what to do, our mantra. Put that shit in your prohibitions and smoke 'em. The laws are easy, and the Canary Islands are just a check-in and a 40 day wait to salvation. Depending on definition.

Awe Mackerel

Au courant. C'est a bon bonny way of saying it. It's: My love for Michael Palin. That is: I like him, a lot. Au: in the. Courant: current. Why do you play with the colon with the meat, and the colon of the page of the pages. Stop. Full stop. Don't stop, don't. The more familiar refrain. I: I won't I never do until we meet in that place with no etiquette and no rules and no exclamations, just two people trying to match their lungs with the beating of their hearts. I also know this is bad and I'll care, someday: at some time, in the future. But while I don't care, fuck this noise: Etiquette: The forms required by good breeding, or prescribed by authority, to be observed in social or official life; observance of the proprieties of rank and occasion; conventional decorum; ceremonial code of polite society. I prefer: French: property, a little piece of paper, or a mark or title, affixed to a bag or bundle, expressing its contents, a label, ticket.

It Ain't Over

A mountaineer who was left for dead on Mount Everest has returned to camp after being found half dressed and sitting on the edge of a precipice 500 feet from the summit. Sherpas pronounced Lincoln Hall, 50, dead at sunset on Thursday after he had shown no signs of life for two hours. The 5-strong team then left him behind at 8,800 meters, forced to continue down the mountain before their own oxygen ran out. But the next morning, climber Dan Mazur found Mr Hall, who is Australian, alive but disoriented. "I imagine you're surprised to see me here," he said, sitting without a hat and dangling his legs over the edge of the 1,000 meter Kangshung Face. The Ague newspaper reported that he had removed his shirt and gloves and was "twitching around", believing he was sitting in a boat. The team gave him tea, medicine and oxygen before starting an 11-hour descent to the North Col camp at 7,000 meters. Mr Hall had severe frostbite, water on the brain and a chest infection but managed to walk into the camp and talk to his wife by satellite phone.

Ohm Ins

What turned out to be an erroneous report of gunfire in a parking garage led the police to go lockdown on an office building on Capitol Hill for five hours Friday as officers went room to room looking for intruders and escorting lawmakers, lobbyists and visitors out, many with their hands on their heads. Don't you know what firm I'm with? Nur-Pashi Kulayev will not survive Siberia, if he makes it that far. "Saying "Bring it on." Kind of tough talk, you know, that sent the wrong signal to people. That I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner. You know, "Wanted dead or alive," that kind of talk. I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted. And so I learned, I learned from that. You know, I just wish the covers still worked for monsters.

Rib Dis

Block after block of burned out buildings. The one true fallacy, is just another coming attraction for an opening night that never comes, but they never stop hyping it. According to folklore, collards served with black-eyed peas and hog jowl on New Year's Day promises a year of good luck and financial reward, hanging a fresh leaf over your door will ward off evil spirits, and a fresh leaf placed on the forehead promises to cure a headache. Mallets bring the best of sleeps.

Ought Up

With Playtex Gentle Glide, is it really, "just another day?" Because I never asked, but I'm guessing, "not so much." Can we do this track meet next week Coach? I didn't think so. Is the difference in outties and innies that much? I think Women, with a capital W, rule. Rule too. So, is that a good thing or a bad thing, me thinking so? I don't really care as my opinion's set, but I thought I would pretend politeness; doa to all but the ceaseless curiosities.

Dark Kraal

Iranian President Mymood Ahmadandbad today insisted his country has the right to develop atomic energy, saying any aggressor who tries to thwart the nuclear program will be faced with a "historic slap." House leaders of both parties stood in rare election year unanimity Wednesday demanding the FBI surrender documents it took and remove agents involved in the weekend raid of Willy Jeffersons office. It could've been any one of us! To the press! The study found a 20-fold increased risk of lung cancer in people who smoked two or more packs of cigarettes a day and the more tobacco a person smoked, the greater the risk of developing both lung cancer and head and neck cancers. Whoever wins American Dildo, enjoy your 15 minutes of celebrity serfdom. Some Kool-aid? No thanks. Really.

Neck Braced

If I push you in the chest, bend my fingers back. I will be rolling you in your sleep, no feet of fury, please. Thank you, I'll be gentle, except when you don't want that, I can go crazy, too too. Slapping isn't for faces, but breaking is for everyone. Down is for out, and gravity takes all the rest. Honey does my head look fat in these genes?

Ricki Tick Tock

Dr. Kirkland sells Eggo's at 60 to the box; and you can just get them in the freezer, if you have a walk-in. Green bacon @ 4 lbs. per, and eggs @ 3 dozen a shrink-wrapped whoa, that's a lot of laying, now you pullets have to go fry. Er, what? What what? Too many hits, on the bong and your head against the walls. Plaster redux, now texture over the breaks, this is not sense and there will be no slaking. Slacking only between the hours of not fucking to not fucking, break's over, now shake that ass. Smoke less, and you can fuck forever, or until she calls out "Sanctuary!" Sense is not a coming attraction.

.224 In The Moor

Frederick I of Württemberg was obese: behind his back he was known as "The Great Belly-Gerent", and Napoleon I of France remarked that God had created the Prince to demonstrate the utmost extent to which the human skin could be stretched without bursting.

Tiks Ricky Gervais

All the rants and dreams in the world, ain't making it. Pause, scene. It just fluctuates between good and bad. Does it have to make gum for the whole class? But it's only us. And those you want to call on for role play in your own head, yes. My eyes water, and then I drift back in again, close enough to catch with a net. They won't be here for a while, so we wait and bake, at 100 °F for 5 months. I dream of all the things I'm still too smart to say, sadly I was never smart at all, it's just I don't remember as my blocking out is bright. Not, at all.

8:40 Gone Rounding

Congratulations Finland, and Lordi. Heavy metal? Two hookers and an eight ball? Barbaro will get better medical care than 99% of Americans this year, as we hardly shoot horses anymore for the cruelty of it, and to save the bullets for shooting ourselves. I predict a summer of: adultery, courtesy of the football world and the spaces between drifting islands, spreading apart yet bound together by paper.

Memo To The Feebish

Nobody cares about Jimmy Hoffa. Guy Goma is no Guy Kewney. God is not happy. "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Pat Robertson said. Kisses!

Castes For Plaster People

Are you an untouchable? No, a bed headed Bedouin, with eskimo kisses for everyone. Do you believe in God? In every one Sahib, every one. Are you now, or have you ever been, an infidel? Granny called us 'heathen', and I think she nailed it. What party do you vote for? Oh, whichever one is having the party that day. You don't vote? Uh, no.

One More Gouging Year

Last May, Oldman Stacks (OG) raised eyebrows on Fleece Street by releasing a report warning that crude oil could see a "super spike," with prices reaching as high as $105 per barrel. And now? Well, the price of the front-month crude contract on the New York Mercantile Exchange is averaging above $65 per barrel for the year to date, after hitting an all-time high on Apr. 21st of $75.35. While crude prices have pulled back somewhat since then, it seems the Oldman warning may not be so far from reality after all. Think Quick!

So...What Do You Do?

Prisoners wielding improvised weapons attacked military guards trying to save a detainee pretending to commit suicide at the US prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the base commander said Friday. US guards were lured Thursday evening into a dorm-like room at a minimum-security wing of the detention center by a detainee pretending to prepare to hang himself, said Navy Rear Adm. Harry B. Harris Jr. (Harry B. Harris and a Junior? That's so Joseph Heller.) The guards sought to save the detainee but were pounced on by about 10 others wielding broken light fixtures, fan blades and pieces of metal. To trip up the guards, detainees "slickened" the floor with a combination of feces, urine, and soapy water. As guards and detainees engaged in hand-to-hand fighting, nearly 100 US military personnel responded to an all-hands call for help in case a larger riot broke out, Harris said during a news conference. The detainees were eventually subdued, and six were treated for “minor injuries,” he said, adding no guards were hurt.

On Second Thoughts

The runaway bride who generated a media storm with her phony tale of abduction and the fiance who took her back, have broken up for good, the man’s friends and family told Peeps Le Magazine. “We’re just glad there’s a final resolution,” John Mason’s father, Claude Mason, told the hagazine. He had planned to be his son’s best man at the wedding. Jennifer Wilbanks, 33, said: “John and I have some things to work out.” Love the goggle eyes! "And are you not," said Fook, leaning anxiously foward, "a greater analyst than the Googleplex Star Thinker in the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity which can calculate the trajectory of every single dust particle throughout a five-week Dangrabad Beta sand blizzard?"

It Ain't Strange It's

Max Power Time

Suckling pigs. Wrapped in a 'it puts the lotion on its skin' coat, you were the height of fashion, and all the doormen looked down as they lowered the rope for your invisible under blue light entourage. Psst, there is no: pick a word. Sense again. What you thought, you saw, wasn't; and what you didn't see, was. All the middle ground in the world can't cease our fires and smoking(holocaust), 70% agua or not.

Mixed Buts Bag

On the other hand, modifying words like "fancy" or "choice" do not necessarily mean anything. In a federal case against "fancy mixed nuts" that were thought to be an inferior grade, U.S. v. 25 Bags of Nuts, N.J. #4329 (1915), the court declined to accept a trade standard: "It seems to me that until the Department establishes a set standard of quality ... it would be altogether unsafe ... to make them amenable to such a vague and indefinite standard as I understand the Government seeks to establish by the testimony of men engaged in the business of handling nuts."

Middling Ground

Idiot sans savant. Interpol sang "it should be me", but I call it on all. No genetic purity exists, in test tubes or anywhere else, save for maybe in our sci-fi imaginings. Regression theory. Ooh ooh ooh. Monkeyspeak or John Travolta? You know the mook I mean. DC is connected to Md is connected to De is connected to NJ. Fug you NY, you get enough print. LA, a flyover. The ooh's say more than words.

There's No Crying

in Hateball. Buck up Tony Snow, there'll be plenty to tear up about when the latest polls are released, + or - 3%. Now back to your regular programming, or deprogramming whichever the case may be, nat.

All My Old Dupes

Mitt Romney again? I said I was going to say everything twice. The only thing "almost biblical" is our gall and stupidity. Stupid pol. Researchers at IBM say a new method for cramming data onto magnetic tape will increase storage capacity at least 15 times, enough to squeeze the text from 8 million books onto a cartridge half the size of a VHS tape. Venezuela's military is considering the possibility of selling its fleet of US-made F-16 fighter jets to another country, perhaps Iran, a Venezuelan military official said Tuesday. Pissing contest anyone?

The Seven Day Ha

Personally, I love a stalled front. Mitt Romney, you look so, so happy, to see all the cameras; (and how does one become addicted to klieg lights and jackals with mini recorders, jammed up into ones face?) you almost wouldn't know it was a "natural disaster." I put it into the quotes because, well, when you build houses in the low places or next to those pretty at peace and pace, tinkling brooks, what in the high water did you expect? Did they sea kayak from street out into the bay, all bay and cry, over their squishy effects? All my empathy.

Mating Season Ago

Alligators have claimed two more lives in Florida, days after a female jogger was mauled to death in a canal. It's the states highest number of alligator-related fatalities in one week since records began in 1948. Ms Annmarie Campbell, of Paris, Tennessee, who was on holiday in a rented log cabin, was snorkelling in about 3ft of water when she disappeared from view. Friends found her hanging from an alligator's mouth, trapped in its bite; as one ran a mile to summon help, two others leapt on the thrashing creature and tried to fight it. "They gouged its eyes and pounded on its snout with their hands," Kat Kelley of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, said. "They were trying to pry open its jaws. These people are pretty much in shock. The guys had cuts and scrapes on their hands." In a second incident 140 miles south in Dunedin, Judy Cooper, 43, was found dead and mutilated in a pond by local residents who spotted her feet poking out of the water. "I saw what looked like a pair of trousers floating on the pond. Then I saw a pair of sneakers attached to it and my daughter went out there with a stick and pushed on it and it turned out to be a body," Fred Ferderber said. "I didn't think it was real. Her arms were missing and she had a couple of bite marks on her sides." Mr Ferderber, 50, said he had often seen an alligator up to 8ft long sunbathing defiantly behind his home. "When you got close to it, it would hiss at you. Most of the time, they'll flee into the water, this one just sits there like it's his spot," he said.

##################

Hey Moammar! What is up? Good to have you back in the club. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Masked men have attacked bars, banks and police stations with machine guns, gangs have set buses on fire, and inmates at dozens of prisons have taken guards hostage in an unprecedented four-day wave of violence that has left at least 8o* dead in Sao Paulo. 21 new killings were reported Sunday night and Monday morning, the state government of Sao Paulo said, putting the death toll at 81 - 39 police officers and prison guards, 38 suspected gang members and 4 civilians caught in 181 attacks since Friday. Prison officials said they do not know how many inmates have died in Sao Paulo. At least 91 people have been arrested since Friday. The governor of Sao Paulo state, Claudio Lembo, insisted that the federal troops offered by Silva were not needed. "We are in control of the city, and we will preserve this control," Lembo declared. *Static.

Pro Shoot Toe Sammich

I'll cast you an idol, made of a little bit of leg, showing. Grow you a watermelon with ala's name across its side; thump the rotundity, ready, slice, spit. I could always take or leave them, but juicy fruited kisses, are just about the best. Babies like picnics, and I will capitalize what I want. Sell or die! Big brass balls. Big crass rules. I like mandarin for the oranges and cantonese for the food. Did I just make a lame ass rhyme again. My apologies, this one I do mean. I don't know why I write this way, I blame Dr. Suess, but you suss it however you want. Savvy? The space between lame and ass was intentional. We talk funny down here, and though we have our fair share of rocket scientists, boy do the rest bring down the average. Of course me included.

To Your Beautiful Mother

A day of peace and quiet. May they all have it more than once a year.

The Wrong Belushi's Dead

Back again but twice as stinky. The Japanese put vinegar on their rice for a sour taste in remembrance of when the fish was, not so fresh. Sushi pron is so last week, I put it on my calendar for 10 years hence, as the speeding has begun, squeezed down like weight on a steak; hide and watch, all I've said disregard, all I'm saying. The animals are kinder to themselves, even the predator and the preyed upon, and we to animals, save the sick future serial killers, than we are to our own selves. Popsizzlewhat? Heat pressure sweat and funk.

Before The Crowed Eyes

Pipeline vandalism? That's my gas station. Resign under a cloud? Prepare to be boarded. Hummer dead? What will the cockless do? Gold leads metals march. I buy from the crack desperate, cheaps. The priest did the nun. Let's get him Boys! 26 years later. Iran has the bomb. Everybody do nothing, but look busy. Leonardo doesn't, need the sucklicity. I don't need movie popcorn. Our privacy is: Sri Lanka. Ceased of fire, but still with the bombings. It won't wash off.

Mind The Waters Edge

For Kevin Garvey, a trapper and the owner of Nuisance Wildlife Control, finding the gator was personal.He often patrols that very canal, between Markham County Park and Florida 84, and he knows most of the gators that frequent it. When Yovy Suarez Jimenez's dismembered body was found Wednesday by construction workers, he knew he would have to find this new gator before it could kill again. "I didn't want anything like this to happen in my territory," he said. "The pressure's been on me." As he has the last several days, he lobbed his bait into the middle of the canal Friday night: a hunk of pig lung with shark hooks embedded in the meat. That same setup had already caught two gators, whose stomachs revealed an odd diet: raccoon meat, a football and tennis balls. When Garvey visited his trap about 8:30 am Saturday, he saw it. The male reptile was blind in one eye, which could have made him more aggressive, Garvey said. And the gator thrashed like mad as Garvey and five others yanked him up the embankment. "He was fighting for his life," Garvey said, after he lost, Wildlife officials took the reptile to All American Gator Products in Pembroke Pines, where they killed him and performed a necropsy. They found two severed arms in the gator's stomach, consistent with Jimenez's injuries. Officials then cut off the alligator's head and sent it to the medical examiner's office to match the teeth marks to Jimenez's wounds. The rest of the alligator's remains were incinerated at the Broward County Humane Society.

Dead Fen Squawking

This is not minding nor mind meld. Why then does it always seem plagiarized whatever I write, even off the top of my mind? Is it my subcon clawing from the trapdoor or just my brain in brain echoing? Left Right, not just for marching. The fact that right is adroit, and left is gauche gives me no end of suffering, which is another etching all lie, I meant and mean hate, that. Fucking French what. Not that I really like care, or like you really care, like 'really' can die there too in the poppied fields of memories that last as long as, not even the last soldier, but we have many more sheep to shear and fiery shit skillets to skate and anything but mad bad dangerous self sacrifices to make; and by the by, when they say 'we', they mean and meant 'you'; y'know?

It's A Trolling Thing

Strongest Muscles

Achtung, for all those callers out listening for their genomic hearts desired response, this is not a drill, it's about an F3. For Fujita. No, not Pat Morita. Yes, I saw them. Noriyuki-san, does that come with a dash? I prefer milk, but this is the South and we got them lemons, and going south, covered. Peppers for the bolder snowbirds, still in love after all these years, of course, it is his second wife, his first died on the table getting plastic surgery for the fifth and final time. Mariposa said he berated her constantly behind the closed doors of their gated community, and don't even ask me about the waiting list for that place, don't even ask, don't even. The answer was tongues.

Porky Picture Pig

For all of the horror roll of cliches, we can't say them fast enough as if that would bring back your breath on the gut punch of the down note, a moratorium; for five seconds or however long the spanking took for. Good, what of it? Not to play the game and survive the question, because even the mazed and test dazed rats wish they were back in the fields. Better to be at the mercy of Mother and bundles of bounty or storm and starvations cull, et al., than to be quizzed into a gene spliced question; we already have so many of those, and the answers always lead to more, so we make up our own and pass them off to dead prophets, this is not blasphemy, you just read funny. My goats made me do it. No, I don't own any ungulates.

Friday Tear Aways

"It obviously at this point is just a mess." said Tony Snow. You really really think so? Qwest Communications, stupid name but props anyway. As in proper respect, but not really really, just this once. Laura Lee Medley, 35, who has repeatedly filed lawsuits over access for the disabled, got up and ran after police arrested her for fraud, authorities said on Thursday. More than 60% of Britons use items such as screwdrivers, scissors and earrings to remove food from between their teeth, according to a survey published Friday. Her name is Lola and she's at the top of her class of rodents being trained to sniff out landmines in Colombia, home to the world's highest number of mine-related deaths and injuries last year. A dead cow stuck on a West Fork River dam is creating a stink as the residents of West Milford, WV, are upset no agency will step forward to haul the carcass out of the river. The 22-year-old man first crashed the scooter as he took a corner in the western town of Herzogenrath, losing his helmet in the process, police in nearby Aachen said. Unfazed, the man remounted and ploughed straight into the back of a parked car. He flew head over heels through the back window, landing inside and causing some 2,000 euros in damage. "Then he crawled out of the vehicle again, and sped off," an Aachen police spokesman said. "He had no driving ability. However, he was obviously a fairly tough fellow." New Zealand is not for sale, despite somebody in neighboring Australia trying to offload the nation of 4 million to the highest online bidder. The trader has not been named, but apparently was unimpressed with the country he was trying to sell. The rivalry between the two countries is intense and in his ad the man said New Zealand had "very ordinary weather."

Good Enough Friday

Computer scientists say a security hole recently found in Diebold Election Systems' touch-screen voting machines is the "worst ever" in a voting system. I think I'd prefer a purple thumb, and a receipt, thanks. An alligator attack is suspected in the death of Yovy Suarez Jimenez, 28, a South Florida woman whose dismembered body was found floating in a canal. Everglades dry? To the sloped cement versions of waterfront property my leathery friends! "To the young people helping us, fix bayonets now because the new Texas revolution is coming," Kinky Friedman told about 50 supporters before turning his 169,574 petitions in to Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams for verification. "Thank God for bars and dance halls," he said. "Every signature counts, whether it came from a country club or homeless shelter." Money vs Voters? No contest.

Dasani Is So Poisoned

Lawmakers (Cons) vowed to investigate revelations that a US spy agency (Nsa) was tracking the phone records of tens of millions of Americans (Vics) as President George W Bush (Ugh) insisted that privacy rights were not under threat. Believe that. I've already seen the shallow grave and scattered remains. Animals not only help with the forensic studies, they also dig them up sometimes; and would you please leave those pigs alone? Really, what a life for cows and the ones they call swine; but what do we know from silk purses and black calling. Orwell did them a disservice by comparing them to us, when they are guides for how to live and go on doing it, and we put the bib on them, ha; they have far more to teach us, but we gave up listening for a neverending series of my turn to talk. And stomp. Like I'd do to every baby shaker everywhere I could get a size 11 army boot into until lightly pureed. Sorry, but sometimes it just goes from A Clockwork Orange and into Posh Nosh and there isn't a thing Dwight Schrutes Bobblehead or a truffling pig can do to stop me! You care. Nat not for Cole but naturally. Papillon dies, butterflies migrate away.

Biggest Crock Sin Nixon

Che Ney is served. Daddy, what's a Judiciary? I know Congress has no power (save: fronting, bickering, backbiting, writing checks on yo ass, and fundraising beginning middle and between all of that and then some [the the, meaning: end], till indictment and camp, or a well bitterly fought lost race, or a consultancy won), but I heard a rumor there was a third party in what they once called trias politica, checks and balances, a separation of powers. NP, we's scrambling for all's we got! ('s, meaning: zis) You know, like "zis right cheer." Right here, there's no telling anyone anything. Though they may slow down for a belly rub, and a gentle hello headbutt like cats, careful of the curving claws ya'll! It's my wack and I'll wiki if I want to. Hmm, this smells like one of those awkward Family Guy moments, so I'm taking me and my giggity giggity, refer happy, dash be damning, no point[in] finishing, oddly spaced self and running for the top right and X.

The Kids Appreciate It

A real estate tycoon who owns a nature preserve tried to show off for visitors by jumping on an alligator's back for a ride, but the reptile bit his hand and dragged him into 15 feet of water. The 8-foot alligator let go of Ronald Bergeron after witnesses pulled its tail. Bergeron, 62, suffered a shattered pinky, a broken ring finger and puncture wounds in his palm. The multimillionaire developer tried the stunt Sunday while giving a tour of his 5,000-plus-acre preserve to weekend guests who had made large donations to the Boys & Girls Club. "I always tell them I'm going to wrestle an alligator," Bergeron said. "It's part of my Florida cracker culture. My grandfather was a game warden in the Everglades, and I grew up around alligators." He said he usually rides the alligator for a minute before letting it go. This time "he was rolling and I couldn't keep control of his mouth."

Noise Good But No A

The wag of the hag. A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman, saying mutual respect and friendship had turned to love, a news report said Tuesday. It was Muhamad Noor Che Musa's first marriage and his wife Wook Kundor's 21st, according to The Star newspaper. Abraham Alexander, an accounts payable executive at the Manhattan Cardiovascular Research Foundation, admitted to stealing $237,162 and spending most of it on services provided by a Columbus, Ohio based dominatrix called Lady Sage. The United States has the second worst newborn mortality rate in the developed world, trailing only Latvia. Croatia and Taiwan?

Giant Met Devil Jet

A man in his 50's was found dead in the Bronx River on Tuesday. Police said there were no obvious signs of foul play. Three Virginia teenagers were arrested and accused of dropping paint cans on police from the roof of their Manhattan hotel, injuring an officer, police said. A mentally troubled man who admitted killing his sister and his father's friend and leaving their bodies in a car trunk for six days was sentenced Tuesday to 20 years to life in prison. No clear motive for the killings was ever established. In court on Tuesday, DiDomenico said, "I don't know what came over me." But they always say that.

Winging Eastward

Gazza prays for Rooney, while Gaza disintegrates one bullet chipped piece of cement shot at a time. You dash it Bigshot, I'm not gonna. Gordon Brown breaks into tears almost every night now, poor thing. Security still dubious in Darfur. You mean like Mogadishu, in what they call Somalia? We might as well name everything that. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. Oh yes you are, and I am that boring.

Tuesday Winding

"I wish to state categorically and place on record that I erred in having unprotected sex. I should have known better," Zuma said Tuesday during a news conference broadcast live on SA radio and television. "And I should have acted with greater caution and responsibility. For this I unconditionally apologize to all the people of this country." But not for the rape, uh huh. Together, Hayden and Kappes would be a "boost for the morale" at the CIA, Negroponte said at a briefing. He said Hayden is "really capable of staking out independent positions." As long as they match what we in the Pentagon tell him to do. Dell slides. Metals climb. Oil up. Shocked. I know. This will be the first and last time I mention them, so here goes, fuck Barry Bonds and David Blaine. Clear on that Creampies?

Zip By De Doo Da

Two Australian miners trapped a kilometer underground for 14 days walked out of the mine on Tuesday defiantly thrusting their arms into the air after rescuers reached them shortly before dawn. Can I get a bev Mate? Fosters? I don't drink that swill. Zacariot Moussaoui, who was sentenced to life in prison last week for conspiring in the 9/11 attacks, sought permission today to withdraw his guilty plea and go to trial in an effort to prove he wasn't part of the plot. Would someone please Jeffrey Dahmer this guy in the prison bathroom already. Iran's president wrote to President Bush proposing what the nation's top nuclear negotiator called a new "diplomatic opening" between the two countries. No, I thought you were the one taking the DP. The man named to head the Central Intelligence Agency said he looks forward to meeting with members of Congress, to gain a "better understanding of their concerns." Not that he gives a.

Rain Patted Heads

The Tri-State (Ha)Sids have the best damn drugs, they get them from the(ir) oc og os jewish mamas mafia; old country, look it up, old school. Age before buggery, beauty before alienation; play with your children lest you blink and they grow up into you, someone you can barely love; but that's just me, and I have no babies, but I'm old enough now that the people I love do, and if they aren't the best of us, well, then nothing in us is good. Go, play, this has been sand dropping through the curves of no known reverse. Click and run!

A Stolen Harpers Index

Number of U.S. counties where more than a fifth of “residents” are prison inmates: 21
Number of these that are in Texas: 10
Portion of New York Senate districts that would not meet the minimum population level without their inmates: 1/9
Percentage of U.S. House contests in 2004 that were decided by fewer than 10 percentage points: 5
Percentage of districts in 1972 that chose one party for President and another for the House: 44
Percentage that did in 2004: 14
Percentage of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who say the Iraq war was “worth fighting”: 4, 84
Total projected cost of the war per U.S. household, based on a January estimate: $19,600
Amount that one of Saddam Hussein’s military uniforms sold for at auction in December: $16,000
Monthly fee that Court TV is charging for live Internet coverage of his trial: $5.95
Number of suicide bombings known to have been carried out by Iranians: 0
Minimum number of times that Frederick Douglass was beaten in what is now Donald Rumsfeld’s vacation home: 25
Percentage of African-American families that have zero or negative net worth: 31
Chance that the family of an African-American child is too poor to qualify for the full U.S. child tax credit: 1 in 2
Percentage change in the amount of housework done by women after they marry for the first time: +17
Percentage change in the amount done by men: -33
Rank of 2004 among years when the most U.S. babies were born out of wedlock: 1
Number of half-siblings who have found each other on a website for children of anonymous sperm donors: 1,316
Greatest number of them who have the same father: 21
Minimum number of registered sex offenders who evacuated during Hurricane Katrina and cannot be accounted for: 2,000
Miles from Berlin’s World Cup stadium that a four-story brothel has recently opened: 2
Percentage change since 1992 in the number of civil wars worldwide claiming more than a thousand lives: +80
Chance that a nation lacking resource wealth will have a civil war in any given five-year span: 1 in 100
Chance that a nation with resource wealth will: 1 in 5
Number of weapons that have been turned into tools for African farmers by a British nonprofit since 2001: 2,200
Number of farm implements that a rocket launcher yields: 5
Average percentage decline in U.K. child injuries during weekends when a new Harry Potter book is released: -46
Number of books published in Britain since 2004 that have “shit,” “shite,” or “crap” in their titles: 23
Percentage change since 1995 in the number of U.S. fantasy books about dragons: +91
Percentage of Americans who believe that China will be stronger than the U.S. in a decade: 42
Number of copies sold in Japan since last summer of a comic book about the worthlessness of China: 180,000
Number of copies sold of a similar comic book about Korea: 370,000
Chances that a Japanese person will make eye contact during conversation with another Japanese person: 2 in 5
Chances that he or she will make eye contact during conversation with a robot: 3 in 5
Amount paid in January for one of William Shatner’s kidney stones: $25,000
Amount paid last fall for a Ford Escort driven by Pope John Paul II: $680,000
Number of U.S. states whose constitutions require that public officials believe in a supreme being: 4
Number of the 193 “laughing episodes” during Supreme Court arguments last term that were caused by Antonin Scalia: 77
Number caused by Clarence Thomas: 0