The Bitte: March 2006

Celibacy's Deca

It has been less than a month since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it has been that long since I've gotten any sexual action. I'm not complaining. I've gone far longer without sex, and I'm sure there are many of you out there that have as well. In an effort to avoid sexual casualties, I'm not having meaningless, frivolous sex. I shall abstain. There is something about having sex on a daily basis, and then suddenly not having it anymore. It does something to you. It changes you. It's like having a cup of coffee twice a day, and then not having it anymore. You get headaches, right? So what happens when I don't get my daily dose of penis? Well, I've noticed the following series of maladies: 1. IRRITABILITY- Suddenly I'm aware of how annoying Eva Longoria is. I don't know what it is. Maybe it is the fact that she is representing us Latin actresses, but cannot seem to get a role that doesn't require her to be a "sex pot". What does that say about our culture? Where are the roles with substance? I know there are intelligent roles for Latin women, but there are few. I'm irritated. In addition, my impatience in everything is increasing. I was in line at the grocery store, and I was watching some kid tying his shoes for fifteen minutes. I almost lunged at him and tied them myself. Those two minutes I spend waiting for my cup-o-soup to heat up in the microwave are interminable. I attritute this new impatience and irritability to my celibacy. 2. BLURRED VISION- Does that sign say "slow for pedestians" or "glow on partisans"? I have dubbed the nickname "squinty." Do I need a stronger prescription of glasses? Would that cure the double vision? It can't be age related. I'm only 21. I shall attribute this new blurred vision to my celibacy. 3. SEXUAL SYMBOLISM - Everything around me has a sexual connotation. Is it just me, but is Marge Simpson's hair do a phallic symbol? George W. Bush's face looks like a vagina. Trees? Phallic. Pumping gas into my car? Oh so sexual. Skyscrapers? Phallic. Hotdogs? Phallic. Even my neighbor looks like a walking penis with his shaven head. I attribute this to my celibacy. 4. INCORRECT GRAMMAR- You cannot imagine how many times I've spell checked this document. Is it spelled "grammar" or "grammer"? Do I use a comma or a semi-colon? I've never had this problem before. I attribute any occurences of incorrect grammar to my celibacy. 5. GERIATRIC MAGNETISM- Suddenly, everywhere I go I'm surrounded by old people. I'm talking about 70+. I don't have a problem with senior citizens, but I find it a strange occurence that they navigate towards me. Hell, I was at a club on college night last Thursday, and there was Sean Connery looking fellow standing beside me. WTF??? It's as if they can sense the unuse of genitalia and they think I'm one of them. I attribute this new geriatric magnetism to my celibacy. 6. THE DESIRE TO OWN A CAT - That homeless tabby looks so cute. Maybe I'll take him in. What? Wait a damn minute. . .I'm allergic! Why the hell do I suddenly want a cat? I shall attribute this strange desire to my celibacy. 7. DRIVING AT A SLOWER SPEED- I've always been a speed demon on the road, but lately I've been having old ladies in Lincoln Towncars pass me while giving me the finger. 80 miles an hour on the highway? No siree Spongebob! I drive at a solid 60 mph now. Why? I don't know, but I'll go ahead and attribute my slower speed to my celibacy. 8. KNITTING- I'm sitting in front of my television watching a riveting episode of House. I look down. There is a ball of yarn on my lap and I'm holding two needles. How did the yarn get there? And when did I learn how to knit? I attribute this phenomenon to my celibacy. 9. MASTERY OF PUZZLES- Jigsaw, crossword, cryptograms, or whatever. Somehow I'm an expert. I attribute this to my celibacy. 10. DECLINE OF HUMOR- Suddenly I'm not as funny or as clever as I used to be. I'm no longer on top of my game. My keen observations of the trivialties of life have turned into inane ramblings. I was once sharp, but now I'm dull. I'll consider this a phase, and I will attribute this to my celibacy.

The Hump 3fitty

Double cricked in the night, but no dna just a pillow to blame, and now my swivel is tinman tight, no oil can touch it. Tiger balm either. Menthol meet Camphor, rub rub. The Doctors prescribed menthol cigarettes for my Grandfather after he had frostbitten his lungs in WWII flying in the China Burma India Theater, but he would never say one word about the show, and I pestered him plenty, and I was a good pesterer then and still am. He was so dark, his demeanor as well as his skin, yet underneath as white as can be, a Yankee tan. No offense, but the summer is three months long there, more or less, and here it's half the year, hot or hot hot; with a lovely winter average in the 70's what with global warming, cold snaps and blue northers excepted. Fear and respect the warnings of the 1930's. We can go backwards quicker than any great leaps forward, but I sure wish we could find some clean cheap energy, because Earth told me, "You're killing me, killin' me!"

Comedies Of Marriage

Ok, so I just found out that you've been writing about 25 emails a day to one of your female colleagues, all signed with the words "with bated breath". You seem to have decided that bisexual vegetarians with questionable hair choices are more up your alley. Oh, did you say that she cares about your academic career, unlike me, who is always at work? Great! I'm such a bitch, aren't I, me with all of my work and bill paying. I'm glad that someone has the time to listen to you talk about postmodernism. That really takes a lot off my back. Actually, upon close inspection, it seems like this whole thing is taking a lot off my back. For example...Things I Don't Have to Do Anymore since You Have Found a Deeply Intellectual Fuck Buddy:
1. Pay your rent.
2. Get you through graduate school.
3. Hear the word "deconstruction" while trying to eat a damn burger.
4. Fry bacon for you.
5. Pretend to enjoy CNN.
6. Pretend to care about all things academic.
Things I will Be Able to Do:
1. Buy shoes.
2. Eat chicken, which you find disgusting.
3. Shop at a store other than Target.
4. Unapologetically watch America's Next Top Model.
So go ahead. Fuck her. I know you want to. I mean, you pretty much said so in that last email, now didn't you? If you'd just get on with it, I could possibly have you out by the end of the month, and be able to enjoy all of next month's pay check without having to buy any of your books or any of your pencils or any of your goddamn subscription-only foreign news channels. You've been to the movies, you've had study dates. The next logical step is fucking. So put down the goddamn books and get your mouth on hers. Let's step it up! I want to go buy myself some shoes! And yeah, I'll be sad, and I'll cry and I'll eat some Ben and Jerry's. But you know what? I won't be homeless. You, my friend, you're going to have to get a job that doesn't involve reading Nabokov. So enjoy that. God knows I will. In fact, I'll give you five bucks if you'll just hurry the fuck up and get it over with. Take the money, dude. You're going to need it. Oh, and yeah, I did break into your email. So go ahead...tell me what you read in some obscure book about privacy. Tell me loud and long. Because I'm never going to have to hear that shit again.

Waxing Vietnamese

My regular waxer was not available and I just could not bear the wild, untamed amazon bush jungle that my, well, bush had become for another day. So I came to you on my lunch hour, Anonymous Vietnamese Waxer Lady who works at the cheapie nail place. We were mere strangers before this afternoon, but after knowing you only an hour, I feel like I must point out the reasons why you rule. When it was necessary to get on all fours to do the “taint” part of the wax, you applied the wax so delicately to my bunghole, then asked, in what I assumed were two of the only five English words you know, “Too hot?” I responded yes, it was too hot. And without hesitation, you blew on it to cool the hot wax. YOU BLEW ON MY BUNGHOLE, Vietnamese Waxer Lady. Do you know how special that is? Nobody blows on the bung. Nobody. Since you were a bit clumsy with the wax, there were many bits leftover that did not get taken up onto the “Strip of Doom” as I like to call it. So without any sort of trepidation whatsoever, you happily took a cotton ball and dug the wax out of my vaginal canal yourself. How did you manage to do that without making me feel the least bit uncomfortable, Vietnamese Waxer Lady? Were you a gynecologist back in Vietnam and they wouldn’t let you practice medicine in the United States when you immigrated here, and so now you wax pubes for a living? I know that kind of thing happens all the time, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all to know this occupation has not been your first foray into coochdom. And I know this is totally inappropriate, but I even started to feel, dare I say, a tiny bit frisky from the action. You just seemed to know my vagina so very well. Almost like you were two old friends, and I was this new acquaintance showing up to lunch with you and my vagina, but then was all like “Oh. I see you two have already met.” Since you don’t speak much English, you had to motion to me where to place my legs in the air to best reach the “corner” as you called it. Most people would have been uncomfortable with their legs in the air and then having their butt cheeks spread further apart, mere centimeters from the face of a stranger. But you smiled at me and with a subtle expression, indicating that you too, felt my pain. You should give lessons to medical students, Vietnamese Waxer Lady, on how to have good bedside manner. Or I guess in your case, ass-side manner. I thanked you with a good tip, but I want to thank you here, publicly, for your selfless action, and for doing your part on behalf of all humanity to keep my pubes under control.

Baltimore Sugars

Oh, No. 27 local bus, I study you day after day, week after week, yet I do not understand you. To me, you are the ultimate enigma. You are an elusive legend, renowned for your capricious nature. Many claim that you do not actually exist, that you are just a myth. Yet I have actually sighted you, 27, and I’ve tried to understand you. I wait for you, silent, in an area you are known to frequent. West 36th Street. I’m patient at first, even optimistic that today will be the day you trust me enough to come to me freely and without hesitation. I’m careful to blend in to my surroundings so as not to startle you away. I attempt to appear casual as I smoke my morning cigarette and sip my coffee. I pretend to be unconcerned that you have not yet appeared. Yet, my eyes dart to Falls Road, then to Roland Avenue, back and forth, back and forth. Over time, I’ve learned that one can never predict from which direction you will approach. You see, little by little, I begin to understand some of your basic habits. For instance, I see that you travel in packs. Yesterday morning, for instance, after waiting 55 minutes for just one of you to appear, 3 of you traveled down the road in a neat row. Also, you are difficult, if not impossible, to train. I push the yellow ribbon, my request is acknowledged with a sweet and cheerful “ding,” yet you do not pull over at the next stop. Or even at the stop after that. You refuse to be domesticated in this way. I both resent and admire that proud spirit! My hands begin to shake now. From cold? From fear that I will be fired for being late to work again? From revulsion for the filthy drunken man who just sat down on the bench so very, very close to me? I stand up, as casually as possible, for I don’t want to startle either you or the drunk. You see, I suspect sometimes you hide in the shadows and wait for the perfect moment to approach. My eyes still dart back and forth, back and forth. Falls, Roland, Falls, Roland. I see many beasts with markings similar to your own pass through, yet these are not the animals I hunt today. These creatures are migrating to Reisterstown Plaza. It is the southbound 27s I seek this morning. Yet observing others of your species pass by...2 of them, now 3, now 4...as I wait for just one of you, fills me with a seething frustration I can barely contain. My hands shake harder. The people around me mutter curses. I silently agree with their sentiments. I listen for sounds that signal your approach. Squealing brakes? Yes, this might be you. My hopes soar, only to quickly plummet. Alas, it is the Odwalla delivery truck (I am, for a moment, distracted, wondering who actually drinks that). Wait, what was that screech? Is it? Could it be? No, it’s just a UPS truck. My stomach is in knots. And I now have to pee. People drive by and seem to stare at me. Hillies, hipsters, and hoodlum-wannabes alike seem to judge me lacking. They know I am unsuccessful in my quest to find you. They know I don’t stand a chance against you. They know I will soon break. Their eyes impart their scorn and sympathy. I realize now, finally, that you are too brutish for schedules, too untamed for timetables. No. 27, you drive me to despair. Wait, what’s that? There you are! Down by the 7-11 and quickly approaching! My cold and nervous fingers fumble for my MTA pass. You pull up for me and your brakes whine their displeasure. I offer you a greeting I believe is quite civil under the circumstances. After all you put me through, I still strive to befriend you. Yet you only grunt in reply. You have gobbled up so many of my fellow No. 27 followers today that there are no more seats. Where I was freezing minutes earlier, I now sweat in your moist, fetid heat. I feel the bus-stop drunk pressed against me through the back of my coat as you shimmy and tumble down rutty Howard Street. My knees throb with every impact. My bladder throbs in tandem. As I endeavor to remain upright, my breasts keep bumping some stranger’s head. She turns to stare at them. You rattle and shake. I fear you will literally fall apart. I focus on a greasy spot on a window and pretend I am invisible. Most of those around me pretend the same. You wound us daily with your indifference. Yet it is because of us that you exist. I wonder how I could have been naïve enough to anticipate your arrival this morning with such optimism. We finally part ways and I run as quickly as I can away from you (the morning cigarette does not help with this). It is too late; I am already late for work. I arrive done-in, dazed, and in defeat. Indeed, you are an unpredictable and willful beast. You’ve broken my spirit, stripped me of my dignity. You leave me helpless, humiliated, humble. I give up. I’m limping away. You win, No. 27 local. Beginning Monday, I will stalk new game. Oh, Light Rail, please be gentle with me. I’ve been hurt before.

Sweet Ninjette

Dear only working toilet in women’s bathroom: Hi. It’s me: the girl that visits you at least three times a day from 8am to 5pm. I try not to. I try to avoid you until I get home, but I can’t. That is why you and I need to talk. I’m sure you are aware of your little problem. Your sensor is messed up and decides to flush every 30 seconds whether my ass is sitting on you or not. If you were a domestic toilet, this wouldn’t be such a problem, but you are a commercial toilet with a powerful flush. This makes it quite unpleasant when I’m sitting on you and 30 seconds later you behave as a bidet. However, being the adaptable person that I am, I’ve learned to master you. You see, once I sit, I do what’s called “power pee”, which requires me pushing the urine out of my body within twenty seconds. This gives me six seconds to physically recover from this. Then, I lift my ass off the seat, let you do your timed flushing, and then I resume with wiping. This has been the routine for the last two months. Well, today was a different day. You flushed earlier than normal. No, don’t argue. I know you did. I was joyfully sitting on you enjoying my “power pee”, and before I finished you flushed, splattering my ass with your toilet water mixed with my urine. The joy was lost. I frantically tried to wipe myself with toilet paper, but you impressively covered a large portion of my lower body with your water, making it difficult to wipe it all. I had to stand in the stall, with my pants down, airing out my ass for five minutes. As I did this, you happily flushed twelve times, mocking me with your porcelain grin. Fuck you toilet and everything you stand for. Yours truly, The girl with the wet ass

Howdy Doom

I'm looking for a LTR with a sweet, secure man. I have 2 Chihuahuas that are very protective of me. So don't send me any nasty pictures of your private parts or else...
Hi Guys...my friend and I are coming to town...we're looking for some sweet Texan cowboys to take us out on the 14th or 15th of April. We'd like to try to stay in the Burleson area. Please send pix and numbers as this computer won't be OTR with us.
Where did I put those instructions? Never mind I don’t need them. I usually only follow the instructions when all else has failed. I’m not really sure if instructions for life would make sense. Will you be mad if I’m 15 minutes late. I will try to balance it by being 15 minutes early, now and again. I have very good reasons (excuses in disguise). I couldn’t find my keys (this is usually the one that gets me every time), I got lost or I couldn’t get off the phone. So if this is your biggest pet peeve. STOP RIGHT HERE. I don’t want to deal with you and you defiantly don’t want me to keep you waiting. I’m not including a picture. The biggest reason is if you find me appealing you will lye. The next reason is my friends hate the whole idea of me on-line dating. But they’re not me. I very rarely go to bars, I work from home, and when I’m out, I’m with my kid, a client or my girlfriends. Who in their right mind is going to ask out a chick in the store with her kid right there? And when it has happened I looked at them like they were an Alien, thanked them and walked away. Clients are just big no-nos. And god help you, if you come up to me when I busy solving the worlds problems with my girlfriends. So my chances of being asked out are few and far between. I’m not looking for a hook up, that would be way to easy. I’m also not looking to get married or live with someone. At this point, my life is good the way it is. I would like someone to share time with, when I don’t have my kid, and eventually become my life partner. I have an open mind. I’m a responsible, caring, confident, and secure person. The best things about me are; I look great in a dress and I’m funny. The only drama I have in my life is when I choose to handle a situation emotionally; I have a kid if you consider that baggage, than that’s what it is. If you want to know more just ask. I prefer men who are 5’9” and taller, Caucasian, Latino or Indian (Asia). Sorry to the brothers out there, I’m not an equal opportunity employer. Height, Weight, Proportion is a must. No married men, or other wise attached in some way. Noone who does drugs (even if it’s a RX so you can be balanced). Your moral compass should not be broke. I guess this is the part you really want to know, since you made this far. I am 5’5” 125 lbs. brown shoulder length hair, and hazel eyes. Yes, I’m HWP, and Caucasian. I do smoke and drink socially. I try to work out three times a week, and eat a balanced diet. I am not a country girl. I love the city. I don’t like to cook but do. I have a moral compass and it works just fine. Your picture will get mine, if you decide not to, I will not respond.

Moneyshot

Curling toes and the whap whap, revere thrust reverse repeat. Prehensile lower limbs climbing trees horizontally. You'll come to me or double back, pinned in animalistic twin gruntspeak. Rut rut row.

Oh It's On

The head of the Jo Rich school in Dag, England, bans students from raising their hands in class, according to a Gaily Telegraph report, to keep those not called on from feeling "victimized."
Bolivia's foreign minister has proposed including coca leaves as part of school breakfast programs, noting that they contain many times more calcium than does milk (and unless processed as cocaine, are not mind-altering).
The Coffee Industry Association of Brazil proposed to help fund a breakfast program for a million schoolchildren as young as age 6, provided that the meal includes coffee.

Is The Thing On

Tamara Anne Moonier filed rape charges against six young men in Fullerton, Calif., in June 2004, she seemed the disconsolate victim of vicious predators. However, shortly afterward, one of the accused gave police a video of the entire incident, and Moonier consequently was indicted in 2005 for filing a false police report and defrauding a victim assistance fund. In February 2006, Orange County Geekly published several pieces of dialogue from the video and described numerous "scenes" in which Moonier is shown laughing, dominating action, ordering certain sex acts and positions, complimenting the men's bodies, and barking out exhortations for the men to improve their virility and performances.

Gangster Leanings

Because hundreds of Japanese Yakuza are nearing retirement age, the Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare has drafted rules for the former gambling, loan shark, and protection workers to qualify for benefits, according to The High Times of London. Since organized crime leaves no employment paper trail, ex-mobsters must supply a letter of retirement from their crime boss in order to sign up, although local governments are expected to accept as partial proof gang tattoos, criminal records, and missing fingertips.

You Call Me Sunshine

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been charged with "felony assault" in New York after allegedly hitting her assistant, police said. A New York Police Apartment spokesman told Oui Oui Newts the assistant needed four stitches to her head after being hit by a mobile phone following a row. Campbell is expected to appear at Manhattan Criminal Court on Thursday. Her publicist said Naomi had fired her assistant before the alleged fight. The publicist said: "We believe this to be a case of retaliation, because Naomi had fired her housekeeper earlier this morning. We are confident the courts will see it the same way."
Nearly 500 members of the 109th Congress received campaign contributions from a client of Jack Abramoff while he was their lobbyist, 99 Senators and 384 members of the House. Bush received more than $492,000 from Abramoff's clients.
A week after US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for "exaggerating" reports of violence in Iraq, The Dependent has obtained examples of newspaper reports the Bush administration want Iraqis to read.
They were prepared by specially trained American "psy-ops" troops who paid thousands of dollars to Iraqi newspaper editors to run these unattributed reports in their publications. In order to hide its involvement, the Pentagon hired the Lincoln Group to act as a liaison between troops and journalists. The LG was at the center of controversy last year when it was revealed the company was being paid more than $100m for various contracts including the planting of such stories.
The Pentagon, which recently announced that an internal investigation had cleared the LG of breaching military rules by planting these stories, has claimed these new reports did not constitute propaganda because they were factually correct. But a military specialist has questioned some of the information contained within their reports, describing their rhetorical style as "comical". Furthermore, it has been alleged that quotations contained within these reports and others, attributed to anonymous Iraqi officials or citizens, were made up by US troops who never went beyond the perimeter of the Green Zone.
John Piker, the director of GlobSecuritie.org, a DC based defense think tank, who reviewed some of the LG stories, said he found them weak. "Anybody who knows about propaganda knows the first rule of propaganda is that it should not look like propaganda." "It's embarrassing enough that the US military got caught...but then for their product to be so cheesy...It's just embarrassing."

MiNombreEsMorose

Money can't buy happiness, and sanity can't be borrowed, but it may be stolen for moments and bring that home from work with you. The smell of grass awaking, now top it and release into the air its smell and your itchy eyed sneezes; the droning sound of rows on the go. Pretentious? But I have no pretentions. I remember liking to pretend when I was younger, now it's all so much stranger than fiction, and we never stop pretending so it doesn't seem as much fun to me now. Does your heart swell? Can you keep it out of your throat? Does it just jump up and lay you down? Not like being dipped gently onto the floor, but pushed hard, and then the ducts come nibbling on. I so swell. I try to hold it back, but I am Holland before the dikes and the unstoppable Dutch will. See the North Sea crash over and five seconds or less later it'll come again, gale or worse or glass it never ends. We are amazing, the hardest heads in the animal kingdom, and yet the softest. I know I'll never say anything unsaid before, so it makes it easier to babble freely, because none of this really matters. Okay, maybe a little. Just for a second. Just to see how it felt.

Start Your Engines

Dear Gentlemen, I am a young lady who is completely destroyed. Today I have been enlightened. I am a mess beyond repair. All I am looking for is for somebody to write me a convincing love letter. That's it. I don't want to meet you, go out with you, know what you look like, etc. I only want somebody willing to spend/waste a few minutes of their life to write me a love letter that seems real. Please don't email me with anything talking about counceling, how I shouldn't pity myself, how people have it much worse than I do, any propositions, derogatory messages making me feel worse, etc. etc. etc. Please only email me if you are willing to write me a convincing love letter to try to help me feel a little better and make me smile. I know this is such an odd request, but I could really use it right now. Thank you.

Jill Carroll Is Free!

BFD. Except for the press. Pressing on, the 16 people killed last weekend in Badgag weren't in a mosque as first reported, but there were 16 bodies after, whispered prayers before, and the smell of cordite hung around for both, sources say. Speaking of smells, Charles Taylor goes to court. What justice can come of it? The UN Security Council, The Hague, what a joke; I didn't say it was a funny one. The first alleged conspiracy had involved Babar having AK-47 semi-automatic rifles, up to 5,000 rounds of ammunition and grenades. The second involved him being approached by a man who wanted him to put together a team to kill President Musharraf on the Muslim holiday of Eid. Babar, dubbed a "supergrass", said he had been involved in court proceedings in the US but was not going to be prosecuted for the conspiracies. He said "The Department of Justice decided not to prosecute me. "I was told I was being given immunity. I was told I was not being prosecuted for that."

Three Sob Sisters

A drunk driver just 100 yards from Australia's iconic giant monolith once known as Ayers Rock stopped police to ask the way to the 1,100-foot-high rock. The headlights of the man's car were actually shining on Uluru, which has a 5.8-mile circumference, Northern Territory police said. The man, whose car was also towing an aluminum boat, has been charged with drunk and unlicensed driving.
A South African dominatrix has given up her battle to live in a vicarage, telling the church's congregation they can "shove" the disputed residence, a local newspaper reported Wednesday. Following the dispute, Marianne Ellis told the Pretoria Pews she was temporarily calling a halt to her career. "But I will crack the whip again after we have moved. Then I will be back with a vengeance."
British Columbia proposed legislation on Tuesday to allow people, companies and public officials to apologize without it becoming an admission of liability. "There are times when an apology is very important and appropriate, but the legal implications have been uncertain," Attorney General Wally Opal said.

Cyclones Do Nots

One of the most powerful tropical cyclones ever to approach Western Australia is heading for a spot on the Pilbara coast already hit by three other cyclones this year. Less than two weeks after cyclone Larry devastated north Queensland, category four cyclone Glenda was late today lashing the coast near Karratha with winds over 130kph. Forecasters warned the gales would worsen, with winds expected to reach 250kph as Glenda crossed the coast tonight between Exmouth and Dampier, most likely over the top of the Mardie pastoral station. Mardie manager Richard Climas said Glenda would be the fourth cyclone to hit his station this year. "One over the top of us and one each side, now this one looks like it's going to give us another touch up, but they were just sort of sea breezes, this is the proper one this one."
Senior forecaster Bruce Buckley said gusts over 250kph were recorded today, putting Glenda on a par with category five cyclone Larry, which left a trail of damage across north Queensland last week. "The difference is minuscule, we've got Glenda as a very high category four and analysis shows Larry was a very high four or low category five when it crossed, so they are definitely in the same ball park."
Fire and Emergency Services Authority spokesman Bill Rose said 160 people were evacuated from flood risk areas around Karratha last night, but with the massive storm moving south, a new safe haven would be opened at Onslow tonight. "It is pretty wild and woolly at the moment."
Meanwhile, Mr Climas said he hoped Glenda would deliver a direct hit. "In actual fact you are probably better off with a direct hit than if it just misses you," Mr Climas told AAA. He has been battered by numerous cyclones over the years and survived massive and "scary" flooding caused by Cyclone Monty in 2004. Already this year his property has been hit by cyclones Clare and Darryl in January and Emma last month. "If it just misses, you cop all that side wall of wind."

Google Forgives

Artist Da Edwards has described the aim of his sculpture in its title, Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston. "This is a new take on pro-life. Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," said Edwards, quoted by OG. A press release by the Swallow Nesting Gallery in Brooklyn, which will display the sculpture next month, described the sculpture as showing Spears tugging on the ears of a bearskin rug "with water-retentive hands". It said the sculpture "is purportedly an idealised depiction of Britney in delivery. Natural aspects of the Spears pregnancy, like lactiferous breasts and protruding naval, complement a posterior view that depicts widened hips for birthing and reveals the crowning of baby Sean's head." The release said the sculpture "celebrates the recent birth of Spears's baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career." "She was number one with Google last year with good reason, people are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman," Edwards said as he reached release. "A superstar at Britney's young age having a child is rare in today's celebrity culture," gallery director Lincoln Capra said. "This dedication honours Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision."

Monopoly Ballsy

A group representing telephone and Internet companies on Wednesday challenged action by US regulators that freed Verizon from rules on its broadband data services for businesses, a 150bn dollar market. FCC Chairman Kevin Martin had supported granting most of the relief the company had requested. Verizon, the #2 US telephone carrier, won deregulation by filing a petition with the FCC which was granted automatically after a 15 month period ended with no steps by the agency to block it. A spokesman for Verizon declined to comment and a spokeswoman for the FCC had no comment.
Satellite television operator DirecTV Group said on Wednesday it is still interested in buying smaller rival EchoStar, but doubts US regulators would allow such a deal. According to Leakman Research Group, DirecTB has 55 percent of the satellite TV market, or 15.1 million subs, and EchoStark has 45 percent, or 11.9 million subs. "Technologies still have to be evaluated." "It's not the easiest boiler plate to put together. I'm personally bullish on the fact that we'll get something done," said Miko Palofdic, CFO of DirecTB Ltd.

Tinnitus Army

An experimental vaccine against H5N1 bird flu only appears to work at the very highest doses, meaning it will be harder than feared to protect the population against a pandemic, researchers said on Wednesday. The vaccine, made by a unit of Sanofi-Aventis only produced a satisfactory immune response in volunteers at two doses of 90 micrograms each. That is 12 times what is needed for the annual seasonal flu shot. "It is a bit of muted good news in that we are going in the right direction, but the sobering news is we have a long way to go," National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Director Dr. Anthony Fauci said in a telephone briefing, as he thought to himself, 'Whew, I'm glad I brought home double dosages for all of my people.' These findings mean there is only enough H5N1 vaccine now in the US stockpile to protect about 4 million Americans in a pandemic. Global capacity for making influenza vaccines is 900 million doses. The United States would need vaccine to protect 300 million people, but the most ever made for the US market is 83 million doses.

Patriot Fever

And the press bows down to the engorged member of George Mason. "I turned my head for a sec, and then all I heard were these, like, gobble gobble noises", said GMU student Tiffani Tran. Antitrust regulators on Wednesday approved Whirlpool Corps proposed $1.79 billion US purchase of Maytag Corp, saying the merger would not reduce competition substantially. The existence of strong rivals and the cost savings the new company would generate indicate "this transaction is not likely to harm consumer welfare, and those bitches know they're on their own anyway" the US Justice Department said.

Egg Innings

After 5 years, Card folds. Serving through hurricanes, wars and recession, a weary Bush staffer steps down, and up into the 7 figure world of hidden handshakes. Are more shake-ups to come? One can only hope. For a sinkhole the size of Washington? I hope they're all there that day. Yeah, they do vacation a lot. Oh indeed, most permanently. In their paper, “Loneliness is a Unique Predictor of Age-Related Differences in Systolic Blood Pressure,” published in the March issue of the journal Psychology and Aging, the pair found lonely people between the ages of 50 and 68 had blood pressure readings that were as much as 30 points higher than non-lonely people, even when other contributing factors were taken into consideration. “Loneliness is a complex physiological phenomenon that incorporates feelings of dysphoria and stress, dissatisfaction with social support and hostility towards others,” according to the paper. It has already been associated with higher incidences of other health issues, including alcoholism, depression, and insomnia, and even impaired immune functions, according to the authors and their Mommas.

Sticky Toe

What's with the Lizards and La Migra today? One tail grows back and the other just grows. Trying to stop the human tide is as pointless and ideal defeated as it gets, save for maybe a war that can't be won against a faceless enemy that wears no uniform, but for their looks of disgust which won't wipe off; and that we all have to wear now. I say save the Frogs, and between the lines subliminally, that means stop breathing. Hard to get up a cult for I know, but you said you really really, you know, cared, about the Earth and the small furry things and you know, all. I knew you were my first convert then, and that I'd never ask you to drink the kool-aid and that after my last sermon we'd break for the lightest duvets in St. Moritz on our way to darkest Kolkata after Mumbai, and onward into the foggy as fast as the sloop will sail and pirates allow. That Junk ate my Dhow you Ketch, I'll see your keelhauling and raise you a flogging, show 'em.

Miss Link

Kenny Rogers said those who aren't baked will soon be roasted, fucked sideways southpaw; toasty kisses thrown towards a turning back. Rolling into baskets off the glistening blades of bucket row; don't need two comma's but you can add dem doh...I ain't for being about giving a fuck no mo's. Like I could give a booming bass line for his faux honky tonk fantasy pimping ass, no guitar solo either, take that sheet to the mattresses; don't make me slap that camera out yo hand Papa Z. We got noises that can blow you out faster than any gun they will ever dream, and loud hurts. And don't even think about the waves that flow through us and the damaging done did, or the testing that, it happens, nobody will ever know about except for the testers; testing testing, tested. Tried and been found wanting: not my people, not my problem. Same sheet, different dementia.

Intels Sales

The U.S. military's Central Command said yesterday it has not opened an investigation into whether sources inside the command leaked details of the 2003 U.S. invasion of Iraq to Russian officials, and distanced itself from captured Iraqi documents that contain the allegations. A U.S. military study released Friday quoted two Iraqi documents that described how Russian officials, drawing on "their sources inside the American Central Command in Doha" provided intelligence on U.S. troop movements and war plans to Saddam Hussein as U.S. forces attacked in March and April 2003. A Central Command official said the command takes "all matters of operational security seriously" but was not probing the allegations. "Centcom has not opened an investigation at this time," said Capt. Chris Augustine, a spokesman for the Tampa based command, which oversees U.S. military operations in the Middle East and other areas. In statements in response to questions, Centcom cast doubt upon the validity of the captured Iraqi documents: "It's important to remember that the information came from an Iraqi intelligence report."

Worms Turning

Microsoft has been slammed for dragging its feet in providing a patch for its latest Internet Exploder flaw. Vole wants to wait until April 11 to release a patch for the bug which is already being used by hackers on hundreds of web sites. If a user goes to one of these sites, they will have the bonnet of their computers opened, and dodgy software jacked in, in a twinkling of an eye, says security outfit eEye. Vole claims the attacks are limited and the only reason it is taking the flaw seriously is because it can hijack a users machine. Punters can wait until April 11, or patch Tuesday, when the software giant traditionally releases its bumper crop box of virus and patch fixes. Apple Computer Inc. and Apple Corps Ltd. are due to face off in the courtroom in a case involving Apple's iTunes music store, which violates an agreement intended to keep the U.S.-based computer company out of the music business, according to Apple Corps, the multimedia company founded by The Beatles. Apple offered no additional comment on the case aside from a statement saying "unfortunately, Apple and Apple Corps now have differing interpretations of this agreement and will need to ask a court to resolve this dispute." The company has always maintained that selling music over the iTunes store doesn't violate the 1991 settlement. The Beatles created Apple Corps in 1968 to oversee the Fab Four's business interests. The label now reissues Beatles music and works to ensure the rights of the Beatles and their musical catalog. In 1991, Apple paid Apple Corps $26.5 million to settle a prior dispute. Under that pact, the Macintosh line of computers was to remain capable of editing and playing music, but not creating it. In 2003, as Apple Computer began to enjoy a boom in online music downloads via iFumes, Apple Cores filed suit.

Once Again Feeling

Once again, things are starting to look weird along the West Coast. A rash of bird deaths has scientists wondering if they're seeing a repeat of last year, when they were alarmed by throngs of dead birds washing up on beaches, underfed whales and the failure of Washington's largest seabird-nesting colony, among other developments. Like last year, scientists say this year's bird deaths appear related to changes in the marine food web that they still don't understand but that look as if they are related to unusual weather. The dead birds are being tested for toxins, bird flu and other diseases. But many are so scrawny that researchers say it's virtually a foregone conclusion that they starved to death. "You've got skin and little more over the breastbone," said Bob Loeffel, biologist, "They're thin. Razor thin."

Beware Teddy Bears

Academics say they have created what sounds like a nutritional holy grail. Cloned pigs that make their own omega-3 fatty acids, potentially leading to bacon and pork chops that might help your heart. I don't care what they say, Bob Dylan and J.D. Salinger are overrated. Kyle Aaron Huff, 28, taunted his victims at the home at 2112 E. Republican St., saying as he fired, "There's plenty for everyone." Four men were killed in the rampage, but the most shocking revelations came Monday, when authorities disclosed that the other two victims were young girls: a 14-year-old from Milton and a 15-year-old from Bellevue. Kyle and Kelley Moore said they allowed their 14-year-old daughter, Melissa, to go to raves as long she came home by her 3 a.m. curfew. Saturday morning, the ninth-grader never made it back. After the Moores got the grim news Monday, they visited the scene of the killings. Kyle Moore placed his daughter's bracelet near the rental home's front steps. "She was brighter than the sun right there," he said, pointing skyward. Huff has been described by some who knew him as a "teddy bear," always willing to lend a hand, but others who crossed his path said he could be violent. It appears Huff had at least two of the weapons since Nov. 21, 2000. That was when he was arrested for shooting a moose sculpture in downtown Whitefish, Montana with a shotgun and a handgun, the very weapons he wielded Saturday. The guns were confiscated by authorities, but a judge ordered that they be returned when the charges against Huff were reduced to a misdemeanor.

Another Meltdown

Thats been done. I saw it when I slayed that dragon. And then it got warm, and there were no more dragons, but we used them to scare and control those willing to believe in them, and to keep the children good, when they were willing and we were able. Then the others came, and the quiet places and sacred caches, just weren't anymore, and we were stricken into ghosts to roam speechless until the cold comes back to release us to the sky, so that we may fall and burst into the ground born again.

Just

Electronic Load, meet Gaelic Drain. Green to the gills with the blackest remembered hate, Orange too combusting under the leaves of smoldered grudges; but business gets done. Careful you don't get did too, twice if you made it out from under once before, the shock of surviving is often too much for some, and three times is another ball of wax teeth gone chomp, gone daddy gone into the staring distance, very gone through the eyes boring, yet not there, gone.

Yikes Peaks

I was looking up this band, then I just had to click Random article: Body nullification is extreme body modification that involves the voluntary removal of body parts. Body nullification is a well documented phenomenon in modern society, aided in popularity (or at least given a higher profile) by the ability to share information via the Internet that might otherwise be kept isolated or private. Irony dead? Not in ones and zeros world. I prefer that, down low. And since I just finished eating when I saw this, time to drown.

Too Prettiness

http://belongingtotheworldofmine.blogspot.com/

Raster Rasta

Rastrum tatas. Back again in the abyss so soon? We're very glad to see you, as always. Falling by not half on a diet of couch and cathode ray, and not even the fullness to stop our wondering, wandering hearts, nay minds, in laps that never quite make the homestretch or even the turn for it; the furlongs, be glad enough for them, and the greens and blues. In a gnats eye. An idiomatic "unit" of distance; it's common to hear that something is "as small as a gnat's eye." In fact, the eyes of typical gnats tend to have diameters similar in size to a hair's breadth: roughly 100-150 micrometers (0.10-0.15 millimeters). Now is the time when we breakdance. Sacha Not Barren Cohen and Patrick Buchanan are my favorite couple. Linkit!
a ground of land in south India
the British unit of alcohol
small angles measured in mgons
measuring sand grains in phi units
Strong-Cobb units for tablet hardness
land area by the tarefa in Brazil
large and small: n-plex and n-minex
land area in Iraq: the olk and the dunum
the use of mc- instead of µ- for micro-
land by the soendre in Bhutan
more on the origin of the ell
revised Torino Impact Hazard Scale
the talangwah, a Thai unit of area
the ancient Hebrew hin
the Dominican Republic's caballeria
ancient Greek pous, daktylos, plethron, and stadion
shoe sizes in mondo points and Paris points

Halved Sixes

Becca says so. What you talkin' 'bout Mommy? And you Money? What're you talking about? See how they bounce. Specific, and detailed, got it. But that is no fun, and I like fun, I like it a lot. My Mommy says I don't have to: grow up. Oh I tire of me, fill in your own or go fly a kite, you know the stir crazy has got you now, blown on past oblivion on getting gusted out of hand, power lines ahead. Trips, I need trips, getaways, a wocka wocka soundtrack, me and the girl and the girls and boys and all the pets our imaginations can accommodate and the geography can agree with. It doesn't sound so crazy. But the dreams never do. Only the future is fucked up, the now is on. And the past was pretty bloody too. Many Hugs & Kisses Lots!

Thirteen Thrice

Hello and Love. To my base pair. Nuts!
They only want you when you're unavailable, and when you come to them, they will slide by in cool detached derision, forgive the writing, I hope you didn't slip a retina. I don't mean what you think that meant at all, or maybe I did and I'll die on a rope made of the finest woven hemp of bad pun, lost in a sea of neverending stare into nothingness and everything; and what more can we ask for before we puff our last, all dying fast for want of acknowledgment. I see you Baby, not shaking that ass, that goes into the webbed walls for my sweet surrender into the old age I never wanted, but I do now, I want something more than my pitiful need, I want to be needed. And to be constant against the ocean of uncertainty that we can never hold back, never dam, or even stop from rising or raging; for glassy gentle waves and a warmth that doesn't burn anyone;
or does that and any of this even exist at all?

Why You No Good

Arterial bleedouts can be in as little as 3 minutes; from operational to...not, in 180 seconds. Ollie Ollie Oxen are for the yoked yokels, shackled by their traffic constraint and their very lives (insert howls here) punks, all punks, only good for starting fires. My apologies to the smokejumpers. Fantastic, Billy Dee Style, ask somebody. No Washington Bullets or Colt .45's but my oh my how we love our Doom and Kicks to the Chest from Lalawood, and then say no, it doesn't affect my effects at all, and maybe it doesn't (but it does). Numb and desensitized all at the same time. Hell of a way to be or not be, maybe this isn't living at all, and this is just playing out the string, like they say the dna unwinds into; a pair of molecules joined by hydrogen bonds. Watch out, compliance is not an option and knees fit on necks in smooth polyester symmetry, check it; free, never was.

Disregard Disregard

Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you.
A man shot and killed six people he was partying with in a Seattle home on Saturday before taking his own life with a sawed-off shotgun, police say. The seven killed included both males and females and all were teens or in their 20s, Seattle police Sgt Deanna Nollette said. "The scene was chaotic," she said. "Twenty years of mass unemployment, 15 years of mediocre economic growth, 10 years of sluggish purchasing power, seven political changes since 1981, how can we blame the young for slaying out loud what their parents think?" she said. As the Queen of the North tilted and sank into the dark waters off B.C.'s northern coast, 10-year-old Josh Snow of Sooke sat in a life-raft with other children and sang Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

311 And Falling Fasters

Damn you Steven Paul Smith, the name wasn't that bad, and the terminal comes rushing up soon enough for all of us, without jumping from the plane. Too soon gone, for some, not gone soon enough, for others; and call it Evil or Good or whatever you want, but you know exactly what I mean. Babies with the Big C, babies in the burn wards, babies in the closets and in the basements dark. Don't tell me we're mostly Good, I don't know what that means. I know how it feels, but don't tell me it's as simple as all that; we're capable of anything, and usually one after another in both directions, at any time, anytime.
Not negative,
just how it is,
positive fear.
No fathers,
many sons,
ghosts all.

Frank And Bean Discussions

A European Union summit meeting already overshadowed by concerns over economic nationalism turned into a linguistic battlefield when President For Life Jacques Chirac of France, "deeply shocked" by the sight of a fellow Frenchman speaking English, stormed out of the room. Chirac defiantly admitted Friday that he had bolted from the meeting the night before because Ernest-Antoine Seillière, the French head of the European business lobby Unice, was using the language of Shakespeare rather than the language of Voltaire. When Seillière began addressing the EU's 25 leaders in English, Chirac interrupted him and asked why he was not using his mother tongue. "I'm going to speak in English because that is the language of business," Seillière replied. With that, Chirac, 73, stood up and left the room, flanked by his finance minister, Thierry Bonghit, and foreign minister, Philippe Dusty-Blazing, officials present at the meeting said. "I was deeply shocked to see a Frenchman express himself at the council table in English, that's why we left, so as not to have to listen to that," Chirac said as the meeting ended Friday.

Seal Balls And Asteroids

Up to 325,000 young seal pups could be killed in the coming weeks.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper said Canada was victim of an "international propaganda campaign", and insisted the cull would be carried out humanely. "We believe the country is acting responsibly and we'll make sure all rules are enforced."
Harp seals can be legally hunted once their white coats darken, at about two weeks old.

Scientists believe the human testicle may provide a less controversial source of cells for stem cell research.
Stem cells hold great promise for new treatments for many conditions as they have the ability to become many different types of adult tissue.
But at present the most flexible type is found in human embryos, and their use is mired in controversy.
A German team describe in the journal Nature how they isolated cells from mice testes that seem equally useful.
The researchers believe similar cells could also be extracted from humans.

Ocean water, long believed to have come from icy comets beyond Neptune, may have originated in asteroids found in warmer regions much closer to Earth, according to astronomers in Hawaii.
Two astronomers at the University of Hawaii found traces of water in an asteroid-like object floating in the solar system near Jupiter. It was a rare discovery in an area so close to the sun and, until know, believed to be orbited only by dry asteroids.
Prof David Jewitt and graduate student Henry Hsieh, who reported the findings, believe that a collision dug a hole into the three asteroids, exposing their liquid interior.“We think that the water has been buried below the surface of asteroids,” Hsieh said. “It’s basically been preserved this whole time by being buried, shielded from the sun.”

Warming Cockles

A Chinese gangmaster has been found guilty of the manslaughter of 21 immigrant cocklepickers at Morecambe Bay in 2004.
Lin Liang Ren was handed the guilty verdict at Preston crown court this morning, while two other Chinese nationals were also ruled to have contributed to the drownings in February 2004. Ren, and his girlfriend Zhao Xiao Qing, both from Liverpool, were also found guilty of conspiring to pervert the course of justice by trying to conceal who had sent the cocklers out to drown.
Both, as well as Ren's cousin Lin Mu Yong, also from Liverpool, were also found guilty of immigration offences by contributing towards illegal immigrants being put to work.
Speaking after today's unanimous verdicts from the jury, Dun Burr of the crown prosecution service said he hoped it would send a message to those employers who risked their employees' lives. 'The victims died because their lives were considered less important than the pursuit of profit,' he said. 'This prosecution had two aims. To secure justice for those who died and to secure justice for the way they were exploited while they were alive. 'Today’s convictions send out a powerful warning that we will aggressively pursue anyone who tries to recruit workers illegally into this country and put them to work with no regard for their safety or welfare.'
David Eden Sr, from Irby, Merseyside, and his son David Eden Jr, from Prenton, Merseyside, who bought the cockles from the gang were cleared of facilitation offences.

Nonstick Sense

Cephalon Inc.'s Provigil drug is not safe enough to win approval for treating ADHD in children and teenagers, even though data showed it worked, an advisory panel said.
The FDA group of outside experts said it was most concerned about the risk of skin rashes that can lead to hospitalization and called for more clinical trials.
"I think we're dealing with some fuzzy info," said panel chairman Wayne Goodflam, a psych at the U of Fla, adding that more patsys need to be studied before approval. "I don't want to do that experiment in the post-marketing arena," he said.
The FDA granted approval for the ADHD use in October 2005, but sought its expert advice over lingering concerns about rashes as well as mania, aggression and other possible psychiatric effects.
Even if the wider use is ok'ed, another FDA guy said he was "virtually certain" Sparlon would come with the strongest warning possible.
"It at least gets a black box," Dr. Robert Templeshot, head of the FDA's Office of Medical Policy, said. The FDA will make the final decision, but usually follows its experts' recommendations.
After the panel's decision, Cephalon lowered its 2006 sales guidance by $100 million to $1.45 billion from $1.55 billion.

N Da Canoes

"I know it's troubled times," Bush said in Indianapolis. "And it's turbulence on your TV screens that affects the conscience of Americans. I know that, and so does the enemy." Gas @ $3 per gallon and electricity bills bigger than the mortgage are the enemies; that and shellgamers, shuckerjivers and shitheels.

And now for something completely different:
A high-tech alarm audible only to youngsters which has dramatically cut loutish behaviour outside a British shop must be switched off over fears it infringes human rights, police said.
The Mosquito emits an irritating high-pitched pulse that most people aged under 20 can hear but almost nobody over 30 can.
The Spar grocery shop on Caerlon Road in Newport, south Wales said anti-social behaviour had plunged by 84 percent outside the premises since it was installed earlier this year.
However, human rights concerns have swatted The Mosquito, and stung the shop's furious managers in the process.
"It's absolutely disgusting," a spokesman for the shop said.
"These louts can infringe on our rights to run a profitable shop for the community yet we can't dare infringe on their right to loiter and make life a misery for our shoppers," the BBC quoted him as saying.
A police spokesman said: "Gwent Police agreed to monitor a trial at a retail premises on Caerleon Road and there was an initial indication that it was successful at deterring anti-social behaviour and was positively received by the local community.
"However, it was decided by the Newport Community Safety Partnership (NCSP) that before endorsing the device, issues concerning health and safety and human rights need to be resolved."

Say What?
"There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet," Gaddafi said.
He touted Libya's political system as superior to the "farcical" and "fake orgasms of parliamentarian and representative democracies in the West."
"Countries like the United States, India, China, the Russian Federation, are in bad need of this Jamahiriyah system," he said. "This is a soul, savior, heart and brain to them."

21 Seconds

Impatiens cook in our coming summer sum, our patience too, baked. Microclimates weaving macro, it will change, as ever but different, sped up until spun out and silent, but for...

On 2nd Thought F Texas

Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said on Wednesday. The first sting operation was conducted recently in a Dallas suburb where agents infiltrated 36 bars and arrested 30 people for public intoxication, said the commission's chief drink tester and dogsbody Carolyn Beck.

Bacon vs. No Bacon

3000 songs and rising. Flash flood lakes and evaporation, cycling go for green again. Achoo to you too Boo. I renounce my eyes, because they see it it all in wrongness. Children should run the earth, this is all butt backwards. Adults are the broken ones, just like their parents broke them. The kittens know how to suckle right off, and to stay within the warm web within the sheathed claws of Mom, pulsing pulsing, with the sensations at her breasts and in herself at her co-creations; because even the iciest of killers love their own.

E-dick Edicts

http://www.benkweller.com/
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000870/ tennessee, whatever
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Burials_of_Melquiades_Estrada
I dont care for coming off cool or even being right, as long as I can laugh and laugh at myself, the dork remains the same.

GoogleMeThis GoogleMeThat

Truce! I'm just another internet loser, doesn't the blog itself prove that? I want to put up pretty pictures(again) to be anti almost all I write or paste, we get enough ugly here and on every newscast ever, so truce and I'll say nothing more about anything about anything, save us passive aggressive butterflies; and how Ben Kweller and Kathy Bates helped me think Texas isn't all bad, them and Tommy Lee Jones; my baby and her baby; my friends and folk, my non-art.

Or Crazy (x 300)

Good or Bad, Angelic or Evil? Crenellated of teeth like a monsters? Etch A Sketches made of flesh shaken out in a single rasping breath; or whatever fraction thereof it takes to shaky shaky. Shale, shall be thy name, layered in longitude, lengthwise to the line. Dice theory, loading up palms for not alms but kisses of tastes strawberry. Loading time remaining, bad disc beats bad disks and popouts of no comeback was just playing now scarred for lives. It doesn't stop. Birthing always, in multiplied berths, class cosmic. Stepping on, stepping off, third rails and stone, "they just jumped", but most just get on and get off over and over again, until they can't get up anymore. The warm radiance of spring is no less melancholy than the cooling fall.
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=crenellated
Also? I learned it with two L's, and so it shall be evermore, because we know from walls (full of hard wires). Teeth and teething too, suckling always. Teat teat. Move. Get out the way. Get out the way.

A Television Ignition

Hey glass heart, how's your jaw? No, you can't have my voice, but the tobacco can, someday. If I don't crack like a Faberge before that, that is, or fall to a road rage. Over easy and rising, you take me in your hands and use me in the best of ways, stroke stroke and the plunge, wet heat envelops and kill me now, then. Squeeze me boa dead, constricted into the ultimate happy place goodnight. Ah, to dream, to expectorate without my mouth, to sleep. Shakes would agree, and so would whatever he's drinking.
Speaking of which, teach me to(o)...

I Like Tea

You like the bagging. Which one of you pigs, smells like bacon fat? I'm missing the sound of analog hiss, and bacon pop, snapple and crack for my boys in the funny hats (and all the ones in the jackets you can't get out of without help). Hammond organs are for pulling stops and pushing keys; or that may be another ancient keyed up (bellowing) instrument. I never was a black and white boy, but I do love the grays (and fogs, war or not). Get on? Get the ins. Get the outs. Get gone. You don't need to tear away that scab to see the wound underneath, it could be the future and you'd still see it behind your eyes, and through the fattening (as yet unfallen) teardrops.

Fallujah

I was going to write or steal something about the Tal Afar follies they're bullet pointing like mad in hope that some (made up) good news might stick, but they can't get anything right, and who cares? Slick Billy got smoked regular and the country ran like clockwork in spite of the dogs around his ankles; nobody gets everything anti Midas like these new same old guys. Merde shitstorm stormtroopers selling out what they don't own in no bid contracts to their brother in arms and laws or maybe they were just frat brothers or fuck buddies or in the same scout troup. Mercenaries Ltd. will handle all your needs, from socks to jocks, demo. to reno. and back again.

Oz Rules: 296-6

"We've poured you a beer and we've had the camels shampooed, we've saved you a spot on the beach, and we've got the sharks out of the pool. So where the bloody hell are you?"
http://www.wherethebloodyhellareyou.com/
A Japanese teacher, gripped by the baseball fever that seized the nation during a game with bitter rival South Korea, was forced to apologize after watching the game in a classroom where students were taking a test. "Some students were looking forward to watching the game, and I was also anxious about it," the teacher was quoted as saying. "I was very thoughtless."
http://ww2.worldbaseballclassic.com/2006/
A hotel in northern Germany has started charging its guests by the kilo for an overnight stay. In the town of Norden, close to the Dutch border, guests now have to step onto the scales before moving into their rooms and fork out half a euro ($0.61) per kilogram (2.2 lbs). "I had many guests who were really huge and I told them to slim down," said Juergen Heckrodt, owner of the three-star establishment. "When they came back the year after and had lost a lot of weight they asked me what are you gonna do for me now?" Heckrodt said he hoped his initiative would inspire Germans to become leaner and healthier. "Healthy guests live longer and can come back more often."
http://www.hotel-ostfriesland.de/

Norant Allright

Click (publish) quick, before they turn out the lights, they don't care about the obscenity of the # on the bill, they just know from order #'s for cutoffs, you cutup; 'customer service' is the meanest misnomer. Quay days and dreams of Provence (pro-vons), you have to say it right or they make faces, or look right through you. Not that we look (or listen) much anymore. We connect from very far away now, in the echos(phere), growing further apart, the closer we all get.

Deet Te Dee Doi

Humans are responsible for the worst spate of extinctions since the dinosaurs and must make unprecedented extra efforts to reach a goal of slowing losses by 2010, a UN report said today. The current pace of extinctions was an estimated 1000 times faster than historical rates, jeopardizing a global goal set at a 2002 UN summit in Johannesburg "to achieve, by 2010, a significant reduction in the current rate of biodiversity loss."
Well, as long as someone's handling it.
US miner Doe Run Co., whose Peruvian metals smelter is blamed for poisoning children, on Monday promised to cut its toxic emissions by the end of 2009 to comply with Peru's environmental rules. Privately owned Doe Run had been seeking an additional five years through 2011 to meet a government-mandated environmental plan, known as PAMA, to build a $100 million sulfuric acid plant and capture harmful emissions it pumps out every day. The La Oroya smelter, which processes 10 metals including silver, was built in 1922 and chugs out more than 600 tons of sulfur dioxide a day, above Peru's legal limit, according to company data. In a study released last year, scientists from St. Louis University in the US said that 97% of the children in La Oroya under age 6 have harmful levels of lead in their blood.
If sighs could kill, you'd be endangered.
Some 300 million Africans lack access to safe drinking water, and 313 million lack access to basic sanitation. Africa has an estimated population of over 800 million. In small towns and urban centers, going to collect water is now not even an option for many women, as water vendors are preventing women and girls from even reaching a spring. Water is becoming a commoditized industry.
What isn't?

Please, No Doctors

Brain injuries afflict more than five million Americans, ranging from head trauma to stroke. Currently, there is no way to restore lost function or recapture what can be a profound shift in ability and even personality. But new research suggests that nanofibers can help induce neurons to reconnect and restore vision in the process, at least in hamsters.
A team of neuroscientists at MIT and their colleagues at HKU purposefully wounded 53 newly born hamster pups. They cut a relatively deep gash--1.5 millimeters deep and two millimeters wide--through the optic tract in the brains of the young rodents. The wounds of 10 of the pups were then treated with 10 microliters of a solution composed of 99 percent water and 1 percent of a special ionic peptide. These short amino acids are capable of creating a molecular scaffold that can bridge such gaps.
Within 24 hours, the gash in the treated pups had begun to close, and by 30 days had completely closed. "We had never seen that before in any animals," says neuroscientist Rutledge Ellis-Behnke of MIT., who led the research. By placing a biological tracer in the hamsters' eyes the researchers also discovered that the neurons had actually grown back and reconnected through the center of the cut instead of routing around the wound--another first. None of the control animals showed any healing whatsoever.
The scientists then inflicted a similar wound on some adult hamsters to see if such connections could actually regenerate vision. By injecting 30 microliters of the solution, the scientists again healed the gaps in 30 days. And in subsequent behavioral tests, the animals had regained the ability to turn their eyes and heads toward a sunflower seed in their peripheral vision, though their turning response was slower than normal.
The solution, which forms a tight-fitting fibrous gel in the wound, appears to have no long-term side effects, breaking down into its constituent amino acids and exiting the body through the bloodstream and urine. "We have healing of the brain, which we've never seen before. We have axons growing through the center of the cut, which we've never seen before, and we have axons connecting to the target tissue," Rutledge notes. "If we could use something like this to mitigate the damage caused by cutting the brain with a knife, that would be great."

War Good Hair Bad

Humphrey, a stray cat who wandered in to the official residence of Britain's prime minister in 1989 and caused a scandal when he "retired" in 1997, has died, a spokesman for Prime Minister Tony Blair has said. The black and white one-time "mouser in chief" was perhaps the most famous pet in a country of animal worshippers. "World of politics mourns a legend," headlined the Sun, Britain's largest circulation daily newspaper. "It is true. We learned last week that Humphrey has died," a spokesman confirmed. Humphrey was thought to be 18. He had wandered into No 10 Downing Street under Margaret Thatcher and remained throughout the tenure of John Major. But he was sent away to live with a civil servant in "retirement" months after Tony Blair was elected in 1997.

Timestamp Foolscaps

In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed . . . Because of you, our nation is more secure. Because of you, the tyrant has fallen and Iraq is free.”
“All of us can now agree that the fall of the Iraqi dictator has removed a source of violence, aggression, and instability in the Middle East . . . Men and women across the Middle East, looking to Iraq, are getting a glimpse of what life in a free country can be like.”
The President earned even more laughs when answering a woman who suggested that the war was a sign of an impending biblical Apocalypse. “I hadn’t really thought about it that way,” he replied. “I guess I’m more of a practical fella.”

Real Live Mail Girl

Safe and sound. Happy B-day, if I didn't say that before.

Here's what I was saying about Hedy...

Those who remember Austrian Hedy Lamarr today most likely think of her as the sexy Hollywood actress of moderate success in the 1930s and 1940s who was notorious for having appeared nude in a European film called Ecstasy in 1931. Few would expect to see her included as one of the 200 entries in a volume entitled Leaders of the Information Age. However, she is included in this book and with some justification, too, since she and avante garde composer George Antheil received a patent in 1942 for a device to enable radio signals to change frequencies rapidly. They envisioned this system to be useful in combating radio-controlled torpedoes used by Nazi submarines. While this system was never put into practice and the patent lapsed, the idea was later used by the U.S. military in the 1950s and 1960s. Today the concept is utilized every day by cellular phones and pagers. All of which means that, in a quirky way,
Hedy Lamarr was a leader of the Information Age.

Fakelite

Ruling in Google case a win for privacy?
Well, you know what they say, "If you have to ask..."
Another blown case?
The death penalty case against accused Sept. 11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui has barely survived the government's latest bout of incompetence. Go DOJ Go!
Zurich agrees to settlement
The Zurich American Insurance Company (AIC) agreed to pay $171.7 million to settle allegations of commercial insurance price-fixing and bid-rigging with Texas and eight other states. Meaning they stole 1.71 billion, and are giving back 10% of it, in kickbacks.
Gorgeous Georges prance into Sweet 16
Any more questions about whether George Mason belongs in the NCAA Tournament? Didn't think so. I smell an alumni...
Drug trial disaster: four improving
A drug that left six men seriously ill when it was tested on humans for the first time caused temporary swelling in the glands of two monkeys during animal experiments, the firm behind the medication has confirmed. Mmm hmm.
The Iraq war: Three years
When the U.S.-led coalition attacked Iraq three years ago, the Bush administration was brimming with confidence that this would be a war only in the sense that a lot of bombs would be dropped and the military would seize, temporarily, a foreign capital. It was going to be swift, high-tech, clean. Now we hide in bunkers and zones, from the street, and PR streets.
Woman Crashes Truck Into Clinic, Killing 3
In an instant, stunned witnesses watched as a pickup truck plowed through a plate glass window into the waiting room of a medical clinic at a strip mall, triggering screams inside and sending debris everywhere. "That truck was flying," said witness Jimmy Ramsey, who was heading out of a nearby coffee shop when he saw it smash through the store front.
"...you'll never know."

Moonlight Sonata

Who am I kidding? Not even me. Writing while being stared at, get behind my shoulder Satan, it still wouldn't be worth reading (if people still did that sort of thing). So so so so. I could comma it to make it something sensical, but, so. How do you make them feel again, once we've cast off feelings? From calm pharmaceutica to the rage that only grows until you pop or pop or pop or pop, or you do something you can't come back from, some things, you can't come back from. Do you regret it? Does the digital keep you sated, the sating stains, the tv hypnosis, the lost at work for fear of home, the lost at home for fear of the masses? Whatever it is, is it enough to last you? Enough with those not bangs! No more questions! No more cameras. No more control. This is not the border. We are the flux, the bonded, and the flowing. I only apologize for the scribbles, the reading it later (in wonder and wtf) is worth every tap to the tap tap to the tap.

Under The Sweater Song

There was this wimpy (guess not) little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet and calm. Mr. Rogers was one of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth, but Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.
After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

Rocking The Blogurbs

Lee Marvin to Johnny Carson: "Yeah, yeah...I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew...We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life. That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, where'd they get you Lee?' Well Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!" Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

Calling Cali Formula

A dozen Bay Area residents appeared in federal court on marijuana cultivation and distribution charges in connection with a large-scale operation to make pot-laced candy and sodas. The products, bearing slightly off-brand names as Keef Kat, Toka-Cola, Stoney Ranchers, Trippy Bars and Pot Tarts, are packaged to look like the legitimate brands they mimic. Prohibition never worked and it never will, Will.

Numbers After Names

Following news earlier this week that Isaac Hayes (bitch) had split "South Park" over the lampooning of Scientology in the "Trapped in the Closet" episode, Variety reports that a repeat was pulled this week. It cited that Tom Cruise (woowoo) had threatened to cancel all publicity for "Mission: Impossible 3" (can't wait) if Comedy Central (bitches) aired it again. A Cruise spokesman (toady) denied him making any such statement, and "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone (fags, but funny) gave this made-for-TV statement on the matter: "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!" Commercial Central is owned by Paramount (slut) corporate sibling Viacom (crackho).

Names After Numbers

Hey Festus! I love the rolling kettle drums of thunder more than any words could ever say Gooch! Not to mention the brightest fastest lights we really know, Lightning; when the ground reaches for the sky. The character Evey is talking about is not Fawkes, anyway. He's a Fawkes-masked renegade (and accomplished fencer) code-named V, who employs terrorist tactics in the name of democracy. I'd pluck your eyes out to hear it better, Worm, if you like, but your chest feels it inside out and back, like bass doppler(ed), and adrenaline away! Published in 1989, the comics imagined a totalitarian England of the not-too-distant future, in which a draconian Thatcherism predicated on order, conformity and intolerance has mushroomed into totalitarian repression. With the smell of crispy ozone, Bacon, and the tastes of shocks, the touch of booms, a rolling purple black bruise of clouds on a level, racing by like the chased, across the sky. As the story goes, America's endless foreign war has led England into isolationism and panic, which an ambitious conservative politician has recognized and seized as a political tool, feeding public fear through deception of the most despicably murderous sort. I know you don't get this, but me and a half do, and that's enough, Thunder.

Black Irish

In an interview with The Leprechaun, parade chairman John Dunleavy defended the organizers' decision to bar the Irish Lesbian and Gay Organization from participating in the biggest St. Patrick's Day party in the world. "If an Israeli group wants to march in New York, do you allow neo-Nazis into their parade? If African-Americans are marching in Harlem, do they have to let the Ku Klux Klan into their parade?" Dunleavy was quoted as saying. "People have rights. If we let the ILGO in, is it the Irish Prostitute Association next?" he said.

Golden Highlights

Proof of Big Bang Seen by Space Probe, Scientists Say. ILUIC.
General Motors Corp. has increased its previously reported 2005 loss by $2 billion, raising the total to $10.6 billion. HITF do you lose that much money in one year?
Completing the second day of Operation Swarmer, US and Iraqi soldiers seized mortar rounds, rockets, explosives, and high-powered cordless telephones used to remotely detonate roadside bombs. The US military says while 48 people had been detained, no insurgents had so far been found. SSDD.
President Bushy Beaver chose Idahoan Dirk Kempthorne as his choice to replace Gale Norton as Interior secretary on Thursday, a Republican said. Kempthorne: "I hope to get the remaining trees cut down as soon as possible so we can get on with drilling in the ANWR."
"Now is the time to reaffirm our roots as the party of fiscal discipline," said Senate Hypocrite Leader Bill Frist. The Senate then voted to allow the government to borrow an additional $781 billion, bringing the ceiling on the national debt to nearly $9 trillion. WTF.

A Good Result

The guards at a juvenile boot camp videotaped kicking and punching a 14-year-old boy who later died had consistently used the same techniques on other youths, documents show. The five guards shown on the surveillance video were involved in at least 63 other instances using knee strikes, hammer-fist blows, 'pressure point' restraints and other physical encounters with detainees, according to Florida Department of Juvenile reports filed in 2004 and 2005.
Guard Patrick Garrett wrote the report on the Martin Lee Anderson case. He said Charles Enfinger and Joseph Walsh restrained the boy against a fence after he refused to run laps. "I ordered offender Anderson to stop resisting and relax his arms. When (he) refused to comply with those instructions, I applied a knee strike to his left thigh and escorted him to the ground," Garrett wrote. "After reaching the ground, I applied a bent wrist to offender Anderson's left wrist for approximately 7 seconds." The report of the 30-minute ordeal said guard Henry Dickens poured water on Anderson and later applied a 'pressure point' to his head. The technique was banned by the state in 2004. Garrett said the guards continued to "counsel" Anderson by applying knee strikes, pressure point blows and bending his wrists backward until he stopped responding. No guards have been arrested or fired.
"It's up to the Legislature if they want to close boot camps," Jeb Bush said. "This tragic case is something that we need to look at, investigate, prosecute if appropriate...but it doesn't mean that we should get rid of a policy that has yielded a good result."

Thus Spake Zarathustra Pwned

Leetspeak? I can't even speak English properly.
The eternal noob, boob in space kind of thing.
But everywhere, not just online or in code,
or at least it feels that way to me, mostly.
I see you all looking uncomfortable as well,
and when I know you,
I usually find that you are,
and that you clinch just like me;
in other ways,
from the noons across ambient bruxing nights.
I once asked a guy "Hi, having a good day?",
and he answered "I never had a bad day!",
and I was awed..into thinking..'Never?'.

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry Sorry

Sorry for the last post. I had written something completely different, but when I hit publish they must have hit the delete key, because it disappeared as quick as click, never to return(eh); and I didn't even mention Goggle. Leave my words alone you blithering choadbreath deletists. Wait, I blither myself, I love to dither and blather.
So, just choadbreath deletists then.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Choado+Baggins
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=choads
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Choads+ahoy

Blog This!

This site sucks fat cocks.

Shickshinny Puppies

After her 11-year-old son was suspended for twice bringing a loaded handgun to school, Linnea C. Holdren, 44, said the matter was pretty much beyond her control. "I can't lock up his guns," she told police. "They belong to him, and he has a right to use them whenever he wants to use them." The boy was expelled in January, and Holdren, who is a teacher at her son's Shickshinny, Pa., elementary school, has been charged with felony endangerment.

Meet Me By The Old Oak Tree

Pentagon officials evidently believe that one way to reduce military families' stress is to teach them to laugh. Its "laughter instructor," retired Army Col. James Scott, holds therapeutic sessions around the country with National Guard families that feature walking like a penguin and blurting out "ha ha, hee hee, ho ho," according to a recent USA Hoday story. Said Scott, "The guiding principle is to laugh for no reason, which is one of the reasons it works so well for military families."

Aye Eye

China's Xinhua news agency has reported that Ai Ai, the veteran chimp at the safari park in Shaanxi province, who is 27 years old and who started smoking cigarette butts at age 11 when her first mate died, has finally kicked her nicotine habit. Zoo officials attributed her success to distractions such as exercise, music, and better food, such as fried dishes and dumplings.

Thrice December And One Eek

In a Washington, D.C., pedestrian tragedy in December, prominent urban designer Charles Atherton, 73, was fatally struck down by a driver, but then when the paramedics arrived, they discovered that the D.C. police had already been there, and had issued Atherton a $5 jaywalking ticket. In December, a special committee of the D.C. Council, seeking to move the annual Martin Luther King Day parade from January to a warmer date, chose "April 1." (Committee members later said they never realized that the date was April Fool's Day.) The Washington Pist found in December that the D.C. medical examiner's backlog of autopsies stood at 1,038, including 84 homicides more than a year old. The bestiality count against mortgage broker Brendan McMahon in Sydney, Australia, was dropped. A court psychiatrist said McMahon probably genuinely believed he was helping the rabbits. McMahon is still charged with abusing rabbits in other ways.

Wild Houses

At Fort Polk, La., the Pentagon has created elaborate, Hollywood-like sets of buildings and homes but representing village scenes in Iraq and Afghanistan under realistic conditions of war, to train soldiers preparing for deployment. Among the fine details (according to a January Harper's magazine report): hiring amputees and using fake blood to simulate horrific injuries; piping in the scent of vomit and other emblems of battlefield chaos; bringing in U.S.-residing Iraqi natives to heckle soldiers in Arabic; conducting press briefings before hostile reporters; and at one venue, fighting in modern city blocks of buildings, presumably for guerilla wars of the future. A 75-unit apartment has house opened in Seattle, funded by grants from the local, state and federal governments, as free housing for what the city considers its most incorrigible drunks, on the theory that keeping an eye on them would be less costly than leaving them free to cause mischief and overuse emergency rooms. Australia's Attorney-General, Philip Ruddock, has announced that terrorist suspects being held under house arrest would routinely be sent to anger management classes, to help them address their alienation. Obsessed executi have always taken business home at night, but increasingly they take it into the bathroom, with laptop computers, high-speed connections, flat-panel televisions and speaker phones, according to a Wall Street Journal report. (Said one, "I'm beside myself when I can't get my e-mails.") However, there are problems, e.g., "sound-chamber" sound (the hollow voice created by typical bathroom acoustics usually gives away one's location) and the "BlackBerry dunk" (with one Houston repair shop saying it gets a half-dozen jobs a day of portable devices accidentally dropped into the sink or tub, "or worse").

The Bitte

Mar 31, 2006